I write song lyrics.
Well, I try to.
Most of them are really ...putrid.
But occasionally I wrote a song where I start mumbling the words to myself and I go-"Who's that song by? Oh yeah-I wrote it." It's very gratifying. Even the ones that come out bad with no hope of salvation are good forms of emotional release. I find myself relying more and more on my song writing, because as usual, my life is perfect, and I couldn't ask for a better one, but I complain and gripe anyway because there's something seriously wrong with me.
I honestly don't know what the trigger could be this time-it's probably school, just as before, except now I don't feel like coming home. I wish I could take my laptop and run away, hopping from Wi-fi hotspot to hotspot. But of course, my mother would have a conniption, because I'm the most important person in her life...and I don't want to be, because I don't want to disappoint her anymore..
My mom is like God. They've both given me so many chances to improve and I've taken them all for granted. I almost wish they would both just stop believing in me, stop cutting me slack, so then I wouldn't feel the worst hypocrite on earth. But then, I'd probably get mad and wonder why my mom and God are being so harsh, so..either way you roll the dice, I'm a stubborn, hopeless S.O.B. And I wish I could change and prove that their efforts and their tears weren't wasted, but..I'm so arrogant and lazy-it takes me years for any significant change to show through..I'm sorry..
Today I found out my friend lost her sister four years ago. Yet she's so cheerful and outgoing and friendly..you'd never guess. I wish I could be so strong. It makes me feel so small-that my life has been everything I've asked for and more, and yet I still battle depression. Is it because I've had everything handed to me without a struggle, therefore disappointment takes an unusually stressful toll? And if this is the case-why don't I know better? Why can't I overcome this and fight for what I want instead of waiting to have it handed to me? Why can't I accept that sometimes you have to let the people you love go?? It's like there's a mental block; I'm retarded. I heard a quote once that said something like "Humans are the only animals that make the same mistake over and over again." It's true. It's like our greatest asset is also our greatest weakness-our minds-so devious and misleading..
Ah well, I should study for my Mandarin final and attempt to do some of my long overdue math homework so I don't completely fail..
-Toodle-oo
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Now I really want to give you a hug. Otter gets onto me because I worry about all my online friends. She says that I get too attached and I carry all my friends' worries on my shoulders, and that she's worried it'll be too much for me. But I can't help it. I want to track you guys down (you guys being you, one of my friends whose diabetic mom got her foot amputated, my friend who is depressed because she couldn't tell the guy that she liked that she liked him before the end of the school year, and a girl whose boyfriend has been in the hospital for about a week because he has heart problems and was coughing up blood) and give you all big hugs and try to make things better somehow. Yes, I'm a worrywort... but I don't really have a lot to worry about in my own life so maybe that's why I worry about everyone else. I'm also worrying about all the poor people in India (especially the child widows) and homeless dogs and cats all over America.
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