Implosion of Conscious

So a lot of things have been on my mind lately. It's kinda feels nice, after such a long time of not thinking much of anything and being apathetic.
Because apathy can reach a point where it's really irritating to other people.
But what caused this arousal of ..well, non-apathetic feelings in me?
It's been a long time in coming, and frankly, I don't know, or understand, all of the reasons. But basically, I've thinking about religion, how that ties in with the persecution of gays, how that ties in with pretty much everything else, I've been thinking about my own dual nature, and how that allows me to sympathize and get along with very different people. Plus, all the pent up anger from a lifetime of holding in my emotions is starting to take its toll. I'm getting impassioned about things I've never really felt anything towards, such as drug use and how religion creates all these divisions. I'm not sure if I'm becoming less naive (that would suck-I love being childishly innocent) or more aware or more worldly or WHAT but it's mind-boggling.. :(
So it may have started sooner, but from what I remember, the awareness or questioning, whatever you wanna call it, began last summer. Last summer was the most amazing one of my life. It was also one of the most boring. Late at night, while I was waiting for my dad to get back from work, I was watching this PBS show about the Congo. The Democratic Republic of the Congo, to be exact, and horribly ironic. I was learning about how the women are brutally raped by the very soldiers who're supposed to be protecting them; about how Joseph Mobutu replaced the previous dictator, was a dictator himself. About how the UN is largely ignoring this crisis, because they have other things on their minds. About how those poor women just have to take it, and live with AIDS, and live in terror. Later, I learned some of the history behind this: the Congo used to be a jewel of Africa-a rich, uncharted expanse of promise. Until King Leopold the II of Belgium got his grubby, avarcious little hands all over it and cared not for the welfare of its populace. He suppressed any opposition from natives by making his soldiers cut off the right hands of any rebels. Each soldier had to kill a certain number of rebels, so when he couldn't fulfill his quota, he turned his merciless eyes to the civilians, and say they were the hands of rebels, when in actuality, they were probably the hands of children. The Congo was basically Leopold's playground, and even when the Congo was wrenched away from him, it was kept under Flemish control. It was kept under exploitation. Til the Congo fought for its freedom. And won. And then a string of equally selfish tyrants. A military state. Oh God. God indeed.
A few weeks ago I read an article about how, in Senegal, the tide of violence towards gays was increasing. Now, Senegal is traditionally a peaceful tolerant country. So you know things are bad for gays in Africa when Senegal starts persecuting them. All over Africa, when men suspected of being gay die, anti-gays dig up their bodies and desecrate it, caring not for the sentiments of that person's loved ones. Sometimes, the loved ones of the gay deceased aren't even allowed to bury their dead. And in Africa, this is especially bogus, because there is supposed to be a great reverence for the dead, and certain rituals that should be carried out upon death.
Now, I've said in this blog that I wasn't sure about gay marriage, mostly because I don't want God mad at me. But I refuse to believe that God would want His children to perform hideous acts of violence against gay people. Because even homosexuals are His children. God is an eternally merciful, loving God and He wouldn't want this. But see, it all ties into religion. Most of Africa is Islamic, and Muslims also frown upon homosexuality. And the imams, or spiritual leaders of Islam, are not helping by advocating violence on gay people. It's caused a frenzy all over the continent-in some places worse than others. Another issue that heavily underreported. Just because it's Africa. Just because it's not happening in a "civilized" country. So gays in America-don't complain. Cuz you could have it so much worse.
And really, the thing semi-against religion isn't new. It has its roots since my birth. I've never been a religious person. My faith was inherited, and I had serious doubts about whether to continue with the Catholic tradition. But I did anyway. And I thought, I was right to do this. But then I realized it's crucial to acquire your wisdom from many different sources. There are many redeeming philosophies and practices that other religions implement that could benefit a believer in religion. Such as karma from Hinduism, or the Middle Way from Buddhism, or praying 5 times a day from Islam. Stuff like that.
So I've prayed to God at night for several years now. I used not to, just because. In fact, I was even less religious at the commencement of my life than I am now. So I guess God should be happy about that..
But those nightly prayers rarely have any vigor to them. They feel like recitations, not actual, grateful prayers. And it's been bothering me lately especially, since I am so incredibly blessed and yet my prayers wouldn't show that. I just wouldn't be engaged. My attention would drift. Being a hormonally charged teenager, my imagination would take me somewhere less monotonous, like an erotic scene. And I'd have to force myself to finish my prayers, because thinking about God at least once during the day was the least I could do to thank him for all He's done for me. I don't know if it's the Devil trying to appeal to my Sloth, or I'm just an ungrateful brat, or if formal prayers have prevented from sharing what I truly feel about the Almighty One, and it's probably a mixture of all three, but point is, I just couldn't get excited about religion.
So then I thought, is it even worth praying if my prayers are so lacking in enthusiasm? Wouldn't I just be cheating God by saying stuff that I've memorized in my brain, but not in my heart? So I've stopped praying. But that doesn't really feel right either. So, honestly, don't know what I'll do about that. I need time to figure it out. This is not the kind of thing I want to decide, then rethink, and re-decide. I want to think about it, come to a conclusion, then make my move. But I've been really busy and stressed lately, so now is not the time.
And now, (bear with me,..though I suppose you don't have to..you could just look at porn..) for the subject of my duality. The idea of ying and yang has always appealed to me, because I've always felt those opposing forces within myself. It's as if I have multiple personality disorder, and I have an alter ego that's completely different from how I am in front of people, arguing in my brain over what I should think and do and feel. (I know this sounds insane, and well-that's because I AM insane..) For example: I'm dress modestly. The other me feels like dressing like a slut. I'm kind of shy and awkward because of my low self esteem, and the other me is audacious and wants to scream at people what she really thinks, because she thinks she can do everything better than anyone else. Because of this duality, I'm able to make friends with very different people, whether they be shy awkward people like me, or audacious slutty people quite unlike me. I rarely come across someone I can't get along with. And I'm also pretty understanding (not to toot my own horn or anything) of why people act in a certain way. So when people who aren't as perceptive as me criticize others, I squirm. Because I can see why they're wrong. And I can also see why they're right.
It's confusing right now, because the other me is sick of being locked up. I'm being tempted to act flirtacious, dress immodestly, scream at people, criticize people, act like a little bitch in general. Because not only have I suppressed my more evil, base instincts for years, I've also bottled up my anger. Now these two forces are threatening to compromise who I am. I'm not sure whether I am the happy-go-lucky, easy going, humble person I am on the outside, or if I am the bitter, angry, proud person I am on the inside. I'd like to think I really am the former, but I must admit I think rather treacherous thoughts sometimes. So yeah..dunno who I am. It's kinda scary.
Back to the anger thing. As I've said several times, it's been building for years. In 7th grade I was so angry all the time because of an unrequited crush gone bad, and I, like my father, took out my anger on the friends closest to me. Particularly my rather close friend, who took it so wonderfully, I can never thank her enough. And a not nearly as close friend, whom I kind of stabbed in the back. Afterwards, I felt really ashamed. I still felt angry, but I resolved not to act like my father. Unfortunately, now my noble intentions are eating away at my resolve, and cracks are starting to show. I'm starting to say stuff I don't mean again. And I notice it, and take it back right away, but I feel worried. This anger has manifested itself in various forms: anger against the injustice in Africa, anger against drug users, because their demand for illegal substances fuels a multi-million dollar illicit industry that tears through countries like a knife, taking lives, destroying lives, and destroying families. I think it's unbelievable selfish. It's relevant to me in specific, because being of Mexican descent, it's hard watching Mexico deal with all these drug related violence problems, and not receiving much American support.
It's yet another example of classic, inexhaustible human greed. I can't believe we are capable of so much evil, and yet so much good.
But then again, that's ying and yang for ya.
(Sorry bout writing so much! <=D )