The Girl I Pushed Away

Her name is Gabriela. I'm not afraid she'll see this, because this blog is so obscure, and she doesn't know who's writing this.
She means more to me than she'll ever know.
We've talked about we've drifted apart. She blames herself, I blame myself. She regrets. I regret.
We've been best friends since 3rd grade, and known each other since kindergarten. We've confided our darkest secrets, our crushes, our aspirations, in each other. We've laughed till we cried. We've embraced and we've had our petty fights, as all best friends do.
I understood her. She understood me.
I've always idolized her. I've always been worried about her.
She is, for better or for worse, my life. My happiness.
For so long, I relied on her-unconsciously-for my self-worth, popularity, sense of stability and security, never knowing how deep I'd been intertwined with her until she was gone.
I didn't realize this until relatively recently. I've spent 3 years of my life living in a dark fog, and not even knowing why-but it was because of her. She is my life. My happiness. She is me-but bolder, sexier, stronger.
I know this all sounds in-CREDIBLY homo-but it's true.
However, speaking of homo, she is one.
Or rather, pansexual.
Now, I don't have a problem with this. But God does. Thus, I actually DO have a problem with it.
But even worse-she's atheist. (I have nothing against atheists-but of course, God does, therefore I do.)
And I don't know how to tell her she's wrong. Or maybe I'M wrong! Maybe God doesn't exist and I should just leave her be!
But see how she makes me-makes me wanna give up everything for her. I don't blame her for this. She can't be blamed for being the most awe-inspiring person I know..or ever will know.
Anyway, if she's pansexual AND an atheist-that's a double whammy right there! She can't go to hell..Heaven (or God forbid, purgatory) not so much that I mind going to purgatory, I just don't want her to pass by there) is our last hope. Unless some miracle occurs and we end up attending the same college. Or we reconnect later in life. But in Heaven, I'll be able to tell her everything-and if she doesn't want to face it, I can just wander Heaven, trying to avoid the person that has brought me the most pain.
She can't go to hell. I can't let her. If I knew she was burning in Hell-...I don't know how I'd cope.
But I don't want her to feel as if I'm imposing my beliefs on her. So, I don't know how to bring up the topic in conversation. So for now, I'm praying to the Lord Almighty-

Dear God,
Please
Please
Please
Let Gabriela find her faith again
Let her find her heterosexuality again
Let her ascend to your Kingdom after she passes on
Because I love her
More than she'll ever know
Amen

You may think my love for her is selfish-sometimes I think that myself. That I only love her because of how on-top-of-the-world I feel with her. Maybe that's true. I like to believe its not. I want her to rock the world, I want her to succeed beyond her wildest dreams, I want her to find true love and live life to its fullest without regard to how badly I wish she would make time for me. But most of all, and its cliche, I want her to be happy.

And also, but she knows this already..
I'll love her
no matter what
(Again, no homo! (But it sure seems like it right?))

Well-I've been happy so far-there've been a couple times when the depression threatened to come back-but I've been successfully fighting it back. :)

However, I feel my innocence is slowly ebbing away-and I would appreciate it if the world would be less grown-uppy.

I've recently realized that a lot of my fellow classmates are addicted to pot (which I just recently disovered is slang for marijuana...see?? That's how naive I am!!), and that makes me..sad.
I mean that people would waste their lives like that-lose themselves, their friends, their family, their hope, their sanity..
I mean the list of famous and ordinary people alike that've died from illegal drug overdoses goes on and on.
How long will it be before one of the young, promising kids at my school do a little too much-and then poof!-their life is gone. No one will know what they could've accomplished.

I wanna reach out to these people-scream some sense at them-tell them it's totally selfish to wanna do drugs because it just causes pain for those who care about them.
And I understand that a big reason why people do drugs is to escape from their problems-but you have to SUCK IT UP!! Just look at me! I was depressed for two God forsaken years-and I've NEVER had drugs in my life. It's not like I'm strong or anything, hell-I thought about taking stuff to numb the pain-but what kept me going was knowing that if there was one person on this earth who actually desperately needed me to be alive and well, it was my mom. I'm not being mean-I'm just repeating what she said-that she couldn't live without me. I stayed alive and away from drugs for her.

So, I doubt anyone at my school (or at any school) reads this, but on the off chance they are, please, try to get off that crap. I know it's wicked hard-but trust me-you've got to look out for yourself, because few other peopole will. And when you come across people that do look out for you-hang onto them-because they'll give you the support and motivation you need to get through your issues. And also-think about it-most people take drugs to relieve themselves of the knowledge of their suckish situation, but then taking drugs, in itself, becomes a suckish situation...DUH!!

Peace out! >o

The O Factor-no-I'm not talking about Oprah

Obama has a lot of appeal-that's why he's president-he's African-American-he's from Chicago-...uh, he's black,..

but this nation seems to be obsessed with him.

Frankly, that's a bit refreshing after the 200 years or so of white guys, but still..

Why is America suffering from Obama-mania? Is it solely because he's black? Or is it because he's black and charismatic?

I can't answer that. Ask a psycho-analyst. He'd be able to tell you. But since you likely don't have access to a sociologist, I, an un-informed fifteen year old, will give you my best guess:

Obama has come to us at a tumultous time-it's a decade into the new millenium, where technology has drastically changed our lifestyle, habits, and society. Think "Iron Age" for the modern world.

All this technology, and the change that comes with it, is confusing. Not to mention the lingering effects of the counter culture movement during the 60's which have opened the floodgates for stuff like porn, pornos, and other sex related stuff which many feel is undermining the values Americans share.

Enter Obama-a shining symbol of what can be accomplished when you're determined-and skilled at giving speeches.

And he's BLACK. It's like expecting to find a gold coin and finding a treasure chest.

Obama is the embodiment of the notion that America has finally gotten past its racist past and opened its mind to a newcomer, a rookie, an underdog-an underdog whose father is from Kenya.

And he seems to be implementing good policies-just think-a president who actually comes through for his people. That's HUGE.

Now, don't think I idolize this man, cuz I don't. Um, will you excuse me for a second as I sing a song of praise for Obama?

...

Thanks.

Anyway-don't think I idolize him. I don't believe in idols..that's againist my religion.

...

Does anyone know what religion Obama is? I HAVE TO KNOW. Don't ask. I just HAVE to, ok?

Hang on, let me Google it...

Ah ok. Interesting.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Nation..Obama..obsessed. Ok good.

Now...

Obviously, the media loves to see people who regular people admire, fail. I'm not saying Obama has failed us-he has his shortcomings, and the media likes to reap that for what its worth. >Sigh< The media just hates Obama cuz he's black!!

Did I just play the race card?
Oh God, I did.
>Breaks into sobs< I..don't..DESERVE the Nobel Blog Prize!! >Crying hysterically<

Living With Depression

I'm a teen living with depression.

I'm a mentally insane teen living with depression.

Right now, my depression has subsided. But I can tell it's just waiting in the shadows-waiting to consume me again.

Because some symptoms still linger: irritibility, physical fatigue, and other things I can't remember just now. But I have the bad habit in bottling up my emotions so nobody knows when I'm annoyed.

Oh, and why am I under the impression I'm insane? Well, I suffer from hallunications. Not like when somebody's high or overheated, but when somebody's mental. See, bugs and other insect like creatures are my worst fear and I think I see them constantly. And when they're actually real, I'm relieved it's not my mind playing tricks and freaked out because it's an actual bug. Eew.
And perhaps even more taunting, I see old friends in the faces of total strangers. Friends whom I feel nostalgic about and whom I desperately miss and want to see.

I'm insane in other ways, but I'll save those for another time.

Back to the depression thing-I've found out my trigger is school. Yup, that's right-and I have to go every day. Ugh. But since summer vacation started, my depression experienced a dramatic decline and it's been that way even now that classes have resumed. So that's awesome. =)

For those of you out there who also suffer from this draining condition, I suggest talking to people who have always been there for you, who could never judge you. And more importantly, do some serious self-analyzing. Try figuring out why you're depressed. Take note of what times you feel most low. And if you can, take a break from it. If not-well-I'm not a psychriast (I didn't spell this right, did I?) or anything-just a teen who's under the impression she's wiser than most of the people she knows.

So, hope y'all had a nice summer and see ya whenever.

Hey...

Sorry I haven't been on here since forever, but I don't want the folks to know I have a BLOG!! and all my free time on the computers at school is devoted to reading manga on onemanga.com. (Go Full Metal Alchemist!! The coup in gaining momentum!!!) Although, realistically, those few (what like- 3 maybe?) of you out there on the blogosphere reading this have probably given up on me a loong time ago. Fret not, I'm back. (Until the government deports me..KIDDING!! haha uh..LAME!!)

So, as usual, we're here for my purposes right? Those of you out there who like playing online for free-check out this link por favor (if it makes you Anti-Hispanics out there more comfortable, I'll say "Please." [Although I guess if you were Anti-Hispanic, you would've discarded my blog as more internet trash right? Speaking of which, isn't there like a new Hispanic woman holding a judicial office in the Obama Administration? More on that later..] For my Mandarin Chinese peeps out there, qing check out this link!):

http://brotherkan.mybrute.com/

Mucho thanks! (Xiexie!)

Sorry for me to ask you guys a favor after an eternity not blogging and then just leave without saying anything else-but there are only so many hours in the day you know? (Yes I know-I'm a hypocrite..love me anyway..please..PLEASE!! Qing?? Just kidding..not that wacko. haha. Or I am? No-you know what? I'll just stop.)

Much love!!
-'Sup Woman..Away!!!

P.S. I'm eating taquitos

and they're freakin delicious.

MEEEEESSE!!!!!!!

AS OF NOW, MEESE IS A WORD!!-SO I DECLARE!!!

Fast Takes

So since you're still getting to know me, and this blog does give consideration only to my opinion, let me give you my fast takes on hot button issues.

• Gay rights: Don't have one! I'm Catholic, and Catholics believe you're not supposed to let gays marry but really, I see no problem with it. In fact, America is a free country-you can't discriminate againist that sort of thing (or at least you're not supposed to). I would say 'Let them marry' but I think God would be Ticked Off at me.



• Immigration: I know I'll be misleading you if I don't make it clear right now that my take on this is biased-I am Mexi-si-can. Now before any of you racist jerks go to another page, lemme tell ya something you don't want to hear-I was born here, in America. My aunt was born here in America. The majority of my nephews and nieces were born in America. My relatives who weren't born here came here legally. (Even my uncle who got deported because he was caught drinking and driving in Kansas-kids, don't drink and drive. Hmm, that fact doesn't help my argument does it?) And the illegals who are here aren't just stealing jobs from you, they're stealing jobs from my dad, my relatives, me. So I'm kind of on your side-stop the flow you know? Here's where my bias comes in-I don't think building a wall is ok. An electric fence maybe..but a WALL? Come on people, this ain't China. And why does the government have to make getting legalized so difficult anyway? Seriously-you have to pay a fee? Poli Dudes, the majority of people coming here legally are dirt poor-do you really think they'll be able to pay you 80 dollars if it takes 10 pesos to equal a dollar? Just think about that Poli Dudes. I'm not saying let anybody come in you know? Check their criminal records-after all, you check everything else without valid reason. If they're straight, just make 'em take the Constitution test, give 'em a few English classes and let them do the paperwork. Sounds fair to me. How bout you?
• Jonas Brothers: The "Joe Bros" as they're called. I HATE THEM SO MUCH!!!
• Miley Cyrus: Like the show, don't like her, HATE HER "MUSIC"!!!!!!

Til next time when I express my thoughts on the more memorable, deserving, talented artists in the music world.