Implosion of Conscious

So a lot of things have been on my mind lately. It's kinda feels nice, after such a long time of not thinking much of anything and being apathetic.
Because apathy can reach a point where it's really irritating to other people.
But what caused this arousal of ..well, non-apathetic feelings in me?
It's been a long time in coming, and frankly, I don't know, or understand, all of the reasons. But basically, I've thinking about religion, how that ties in with the persecution of gays, how that ties in with pretty much everything else, I've been thinking about my own dual nature, and how that allows me to sympathize and get along with very different people. Plus, all the pent up anger from a lifetime of holding in my emotions is starting to take its toll. I'm getting impassioned about things I've never really felt anything towards, such as drug use and how religion creates all these divisions. I'm not sure if I'm becoming less naive (that would suck-I love being childishly innocent) or more aware or more worldly or WHAT but it's mind-boggling.. :(
So it may have started sooner, but from what I remember, the awareness or questioning, whatever you wanna call it, began last summer. Last summer was the most amazing one of my life. It was also one of the most boring. Late at night, while I was waiting for my dad to get back from work, I was watching this PBS show about the Congo. The Democratic Republic of the Congo, to be exact, and horribly ironic. I was learning about how the women are brutally raped by the very soldiers who're supposed to be protecting them; about how Joseph Mobutu replaced the previous dictator, was a dictator himself. About how the UN is largely ignoring this crisis, because they have other things on their minds. About how those poor women just have to take it, and live with AIDS, and live in terror. Later, I learned some of the history behind this: the Congo used to be a jewel of Africa-a rich, uncharted expanse of promise. Until King Leopold the II of Belgium got his grubby, avarcious little hands all over it and cared not for the welfare of its populace. He suppressed any opposition from natives by making his soldiers cut off the right hands of any rebels. Each soldier had to kill a certain number of rebels, so when he couldn't fulfill his quota, he turned his merciless eyes to the civilians, and say they were the hands of rebels, when in actuality, they were probably the hands of children. The Congo was basically Leopold's playground, and even when the Congo was wrenched away from him, it was kept under Flemish control. It was kept under exploitation. Til the Congo fought for its freedom. And won. And then a string of equally selfish tyrants. A military state. Oh God. God indeed.
A few weeks ago I read an article about how, in Senegal, the tide of violence towards gays was increasing. Now, Senegal is traditionally a peaceful tolerant country. So you know things are bad for gays in Africa when Senegal starts persecuting them. All over Africa, when men suspected of being gay die, anti-gays dig up their bodies and desecrate it, caring not for the sentiments of that person's loved ones. Sometimes, the loved ones of the gay deceased aren't even allowed to bury their dead. And in Africa, this is especially bogus, because there is supposed to be a great reverence for the dead, and certain rituals that should be carried out upon death.
Now, I've said in this blog that I wasn't sure about gay marriage, mostly because I don't want God mad at me. But I refuse to believe that God would want His children to perform hideous acts of violence against gay people. Because even homosexuals are His children. God is an eternally merciful, loving God and He wouldn't want this. But see, it all ties into religion. Most of Africa is Islamic, and Muslims also frown upon homosexuality. And the imams, or spiritual leaders of Islam, are not helping by advocating violence on gay people. It's caused a frenzy all over the continent-in some places worse than others. Another issue that heavily underreported. Just because it's Africa. Just because it's not happening in a "civilized" country. So gays in America-don't complain. Cuz you could have it so much worse.
And really, the thing semi-against religion isn't new. It has its roots since my birth. I've never been a religious person. My faith was inherited, and I had serious doubts about whether to continue with the Catholic tradition. But I did anyway. And I thought, I was right to do this. But then I realized it's crucial to acquire your wisdom from many different sources. There are many redeeming philosophies and practices that other religions implement that could benefit a believer in religion. Such as karma from Hinduism, or the Middle Way from Buddhism, or praying 5 times a day from Islam. Stuff like that.
So I've prayed to God at night for several years now. I used not to, just because. In fact, I was even less religious at the commencement of my life than I am now. So I guess God should be happy about that..
But those nightly prayers rarely have any vigor to them. They feel like recitations, not actual, grateful prayers. And it's been bothering me lately especially, since I am so incredibly blessed and yet my prayers wouldn't show that. I just wouldn't be engaged. My attention would drift. Being a hormonally charged teenager, my imagination would take me somewhere less monotonous, like an erotic scene. And I'd have to force myself to finish my prayers, because thinking about God at least once during the day was the least I could do to thank him for all He's done for me. I don't know if it's the Devil trying to appeal to my Sloth, or I'm just an ungrateful brat, or if formal prayers have prevented from sharing what I truly feel about the Almighty One, and it's probably a mixture of all three, but point is, I just couldn't get excited about religion.
So then I thought, is it even worth praying if my prayers are so lacking in enthusiasm? Wouldn't I just be cheating God by saying stuff that I've memorized in my brain, but not in my heart? So I've stopped praying. But that doesn't really feel right either. So, honestly, don't know what I'll do about that. I need time to figure it out. This is not the kind of thing I want to decide, then rethink, and re-decide. I want to think about it, come to a conclusion, then make my move. But I've been really busy and stressed lately, so now is not the time.
And now, (bear with me,..though I suppose you don't have to..you could just look at porn..) for the subject of my duality. The idea of ying and yang has always appealed to me, because I've always felt those opposing forces within myself. It's as if I have multiple personality disorder, and I have an alter ego that's completely different from how I am in front of people, arguing in my brain over what I should think and do and feel. (I know this sounds insane, and well-that's because I AM insane..) For example: I'm dress modestly. The other me feels like dressing like a slut. I'm kind of shy and awkward because of my low self esteem, and the other me is audacious and wants to scream at people what she really thinks, because she thinks she can do everything better than anyone else. Because of this duality, I'm able to make friends with very different people, whether they be shy awkward people like me, or audacious slutty people quite unlike me. I rarely come across someone I can't get along with. And I'm also pretty understanding (not to toot my own horn or anything) of why people act in a certain way. So when people who aren't as perceptive as me criticize others, I squirm. Because I can see why they're wrong. And I can also see why they're right.
It's confusing right now, because the other me is sick of being locked up. I'm being tempted to act flirtacious, dress immodestly, scream at people, criticize people, act like a little bitch in general. Because not only have I suppressed my more evil, base instincts for years, I've also bottled up my anger. Now these two forces are threatening to compromise who I am. I'm not sure whether I am the happy-go-lucky, easy going, humble person I am on the outside, or if I am the bitter, angry, proud person I am on the inside. I'd like to think I really am the former, but I must admit I think rather treacherous thoughts sometimes. So yeah..dunno who I am. It's kinda scary.
Back to the anger thing. As I've said several times, it's been building for years. In 7th grade I was so angry all the time because of an unrequited crush gone bad, and I, like my father, took out my anger on the friends closest to me. Particularly my rather close friend, who took it so wonderfully, I can never thank her enough. And a not nearly as close friend, whom I kind of stabbed in the back. Afterwards, I felt really ashamed. I still felt angry, but I resolved not to act like my father. Unfortunately, now my noble intentions are eating away at my resolve, and cracks are starting to show. I'm starting to say stuff I don't mean again. And I notice it, and take it back right away, but I feel worried. This anger has manifested itself in various forms: anger against the injustice in Africa, anger against drug users, because their demand for illegal substances fuels a multi-million dollar illicit industry that tears through countries like a knife, taking lives, destroying lives, and destroying families. I think it's unbelievable selfish. It's relevant to me in specific, because being of Mexican descent, it's hard watching Mexico deal with all these drug related violence problems, and not receiving much American support.
It's yet another example of classic, inexhaustible human greed. I can't believe we are capable of so much evil, and yet so much good.
But then again, that's ying and yang for ya.
(Sorry bout writing so much! <=D )

The Girl I Pushed Away

Her name is Gabriela. I'm not afraid she'll see this, because this blog is so obscure, and she doesn't know who's writing this.
She means more to me than she'll ever know.
We've talked about we've drifted apart. She blames herself, I blame myself. She regrets. I regret.
We've been best friends since 3rd grade, and known each other since kindergarten. We've confided our darkest secrets, our crushes, our aspirations, in each other. We've laughed till we cried. We've embraced and we've had our petty fights, as all best friends do.
I understood her. She understood me.
I've always idolized her. I've always been worried about her.
She is, for better or for worse, my life. My happiness.
For so long, I relied on her-unconsciously-for my self-worth, popularity, sense of stability and security, never knowing how deep I'd been intertwined with her until she was gone.
I didn't realize this until relatively recently. I've spent 3 years of my life living in a dark fog, and not even knowing why-but it was because of her. She is my life. My happiness. She is me-but bolder, sexier, stronger.
I know this all sounds in-CREDIBLY homo-but it's true.
However, speaking of homo, she is one.
Or rather, pansexual.
Now, I don't have a problem with this. But God does. Thus, I actually DO have a problem with it.
But even worse-she's atheist. (I have nothing against atheists-but of course, God does, therefore I do.)
And I don't know how to tell her she's wrong. Or maybe I'M wrong! Maybe God doesn't exist and I should just leave her be!
But see how she makes me-makes me wanna give up everything for her. I don't blame her for this. She can't be blamed for being the most awe-inspiring person I know..or ever will know.
Anyway, if she's pansexual AND an atheist-that's a double whammy right there! She can't go to hell..Heaven (or God forbid, purgatory) not so much that I mind going to purgatory, I just don't want her to pass by there) is our last hope. Unless some miracle occurs and we end up attending the same college. Or we reconnect later in life. But in Heaven, I'll be able to tell her everything-and if she doesn't want to face it, I can just wander Heaven, trying to avoid the person that has brought me the most pain.
She can't go to hell. I can't let her. If I knew she was burning in Hell-...I don't know how I'd cope.
But I don't want her to feel as if I'm imposing my beliefs on her. So, I don't know how to bring up the topic in conversation. So for now, I'm praying to the Lord Almighty-

Dear God,
Please
Please
Please
Let Gabriela find her faith again
Let her find her heterosexuality again
Let her ascend to your Kingdom after she passes on
Because I love her
More than she'll ever know
Amen

You may think my love for her is selfish-sometimes I think that myself. That I only love her because of how on-top-of-the-world I feel with her. Maybe that's true. I like to believe its not. I want her to rock the world, I want her to succeed beyond her wildest dreams, I want her to find true love and live life to its fullest without regard to how badly I wish she would make time for me. But most of all, and its cliche, I want her to be happy.

And also, but she knows this already..
I'll love her
no matter what
(Again, no homo! (But it sure seems like it right?))

Well-I've been happy so far-there've been a couple times when the depression threatened to come back-but I've been successfully fighting it back. :)

However, I feel my innocence is slowly ebbing away-and I would appreciate it if the world would be less grown-uppy.

I've recently realized that a lot of my fellow classmates are addicted to pot (which I just recently disovered is slang for marijuana...see?? That's how naive I am!!), and that makes me..sad.
I mean that people would waste their lives like that-lose themselves, their friends, their family, their hope, their sanity..
I mean the list of famous and ordinary people alike that've died from illegal drug overdoses goes on and on.
How long will it be before one of the young, promising kids at my school do a little too much-and then poof!-their life is gone. No one will know what they could've accomplished.

I wanna reach out to these people-scream some sense at them-tell them it's totally selfish to wanna do drugs because it just causes pain for those who care about them.
And I understand that a big reason why people do drugs is to escape from their problems-but you have to SUCK IT UP!! Just look at me! I was depressed for two God forsaken years-and I've NEVER had drugs in my life. It's not like I'm strong or anything, hell-I thought about taking stuff to numb the pain-but what kept me going was knowing that if there was one person on this earth who actually desperately needed me to be alive and well, it was my mom. I'm not being mean-I'm just repeating what she said-that she couldn't live without me. I stayed alive and away from drugs for her.

So, I doubt anyone at my school (or at any school) reads this, but on the off chance they are, please, try to get off that crap. I know it's wicked hard-but trust me-you've got to look out for yourself, because few other peopole will. And when you come across people that do look out for you-hang onto them-because they'll give you the support and motivation you need to get through your issues. And also-think about it-most people take drugs to relieve themselves of the knowledge of their suckish situation, but then taking drugs, in itself, becomes a suckish situation...DUH!!

Peace out! >o

The O Factor-no-I'm not talking about Oprah

Obama has a lot of appeal-that's why he's president-he's African-American-he's from Chicago-...uh, he's black,..

but this nation seems to be obsessed with him.

Frankly, that's a bit refreshing after the 200 years or so of white guys, but still..

Why is America suffering from Obama-mania? Is it solely because he's black? Or is it because he's black and charismatic?

I can't answer that. Ask a psycho-analyst. He'd be able to tell you. But since you likely don't have access to a sociologist, I, an un-informed fifteen year old, will give you my best guess:

Obama has come to us at a tumultous time-it's a decade into the new millenium, where technology has drastically changed our lifestyle, habits, and society. Think "Iron Age" for the modern world.

All this technology, and the change that comes with it, is confusing. Not to mention the lingering effects of the counter culture movement during the 60's which have opened the floodgates for stuff like porn, pornos, and other sex related stuff which many feel is undermining the values Americans share.

Enter Obama-a shining symbol of what can be accomplished when you're determined-and skilled at giving speeches.

And he's BLACK. It's like expecting to find a gold coin and finding a treasure chest.

Obama is the embodiment of the notion that America has finally gotten past its racist past and opened its mind to a newcomer, a rookie, an underdog-an underdog whose father is from Kenya.

And he seems to be implementing good policies-just think-a president who actually comes through for his people. That's HUGE.

Now, don't think I idolize this man, cuz I don't. Um, will you excuse me for a second as I sing a song of praise for Obama?

...

Thanks.

Anyway-don't think I idolize him. I don't believe in idols..that's againist my religion.

...

Does anyone know what religion Obama is? I HAVE TO KNOW. Don't ask. I just HAVE to, ok?

Hang on, let me Google it...

Ah ok. Interesting.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Nation..Obama..obsessed. Ok good.

Now...

Obviously, the media loves to see people who regular people admire, fail. I'm not saying Obama has failed us-he has his shortcomings, and the media likes to reap that for what its worth. >Sigh< The media just hates Obama cuz he's black!!

Did I just play the race card?
Oh God, I did.
>Breaks into sobs< I..don't..DESERVE the Nobel Blog Prize!! >Crying hysterically<

Living With Depression

I'm a teen living with depression.

I'm a mentally insane teen living with depression.

Right now, my depression has subsided. But I can tell it's just waiting in the shadows-waiting to consume me again.

Because some symptoms still linger: irritibility, physical fatigue, and other things I can't remember just now. But I have the bad habit in bottling up my emotions so nobody knows when I'm annoyed.

Oh, and why am I under the impression I'm insane? Well, I suffer from hallunications. Not like when somebody's high or overheated, but when somebody's mental. See, bugs and other insect like creatures are my worst fear and I think I see them constantly. And when they're actually real, I'm relieved it's not my mind playing tricks and freaked out because it's an actual bug. Eew.
And perhaps even more taunting, I see old friends in the faces of total strangers. Friends whom I feel nostalgic about and whom I desperately miss and want to see.

I'm insane in other ways, but I'll save those for another time.

Back to the depression thing-I've found out my trigger is school. Yup, that's right-and I have to go every day. Ugh. But since summer vacation started, my depression experienced a dramatic decline and it's been that way even now that classes have resumed. So that's awesome. =)

For those of you out there who also suffer from this draining condition, I suggest talking to people who have always been there for you, who could never judge you. And more importantly, do some serious self-analyzing. Try figuring out why you're depressed. Take note of what times you feel most low. And if you can, take a break from it. If not-well-I'm not a psychriast (I didn't spell this right, did I?) or anything-just a teen who's under the impression she's wiser than most of the people she knows.

So, hope y'all had a nice summer and see ya whenever.

Hey...

Sorry I haven't been on here since forever, but I don't want the folks to know I have a BLOG!! and all my free time on the computers at school is devoted to reading manga on onemanga.com. (Go Full Metal Alchemist!! The coup in gaining momentum!!!) Although, realistically, those few (what like- 3 maybe?) of you out there on the blogosphere reading this have probably given up on me a loong time ago. Fret not, I'm back. (Until the government deports me..KIDDING!! haha uh..LAME!!)

So, as usual, we're here for my purposes right? Those of you out there who like playing online for free-check out this link por favor (if it makes you Anti-Hispanics out there more comfortable, I'll say "Please." [Although I guess if you were Anti-Hispanic, you would've discarded my blog as more internet trash right? Speaking of which, isn't there like a new Hispanic woman holding a judicial office in the Obama Administration? More on that later..] For my Mandarin Chinese peeps out there, qing check out this link!):

http://brotherkan.mybrute.com/

Mucho thanks! (Xiexie!)

Sorry for me to ask you guys a favor after an eternity not blogging and then just leave without saying anything else-but there are only so many hours in the day you know? (Yes I know-I'm a hypocrite..love me anyway..please..PLEASE!! Qing?? Just kidding..not that wacko. haha. Or I am? No-you know what? I'll just stop.)

Much love!!
-'Sup Woman..Away!!!

P.S. I'm eating taquitos

and they're freakin delicious.

MEEEEESSE!!!!!!!

AS OF NOW, MEESE IS A WORD!!-SO I DECLARE!!!