Ok-Back to my Usual Depressing Crap

I write song lyrics.
Well, I try to.
Most of them are really ...putrid.
But occasionally I wrote a song where I start mumbling the words to myself and I go-"Who's that song by? Oh yeah-I wrote it." It's very gratifying. Even the ones that come out bad with no hope of salvation are good forms of emotional release. I find myself relying more and more on my song writing, because as usual, my life is perfect, and I couldn't ask for a better one, but I complain and gripe anyway because there's something seriously wrong with me.
I honestly don't know what the trigger could be this time-it's probably school, just as before, except now I don't feel like coming home. I wish I could take my laptop and run away, hopping from Wi-fi hotspot to hotspot. But of course, my mother would have a conniption, because I'm the most important person in her life...and I don't want to be, because I don't want to disappoint her anymore..
My mom is like God. They've both given me so many chances to improve and I've taken them all for granted. I almost wish they would both just stop believing in me, stop cutting me slack, so then I wouldn't feel the worst hypocrite on earth. But then, I'd probably get mad and wonder why my mom and God are being so harsh, so..either way you roll the dice, I'm a stubborn, hopeless S.O.B. And I wish I could change and prove that their efforts and their tears weren't wasted, but..I'm so arrogant and lazy-it takes me years for any significant change to show through..I'm sorry..
Today I found out my friend lost her sister four years ago. Yet she's so cheerful and outgoing and friendly..you'd never guess. I wish I could be so strong. It makes me feel so small-that my life has been everything I've asked for and more, and yet I still battle depression. Is it because I've had everything handed to me without a struggle, therefore disappointment takes an unusually stressful toll? And if this is the case-why don't I know better? Why can't I overcome this and fight for what I want instead of waiting to have it handed to me? Why can't I accept that sometimes you have to let the people you love go?? It's like there's a mental block; I'm retarded. I heard a quote once that said something like "Humans are the only animals that make the same mistake over and over again." It's true. It's like our greatest asset is also our greatest weakness-our minds-so devious and misleading..
Ah well, I should study for my Mandarin final and attempt to do some of my long overdue math homework so I don't completely fail..
-Toodle-oo

So here is my representation of Airi for the Half-Blood Hill group on Goodreads. I know it's not that sharp-but oh well.
And uh yeah! That's all I wanted to say! If any of my peeps from Goodreads wish to follow my rather morbid blog-feel free!
PEACE OUT!! And Happy Memorial Day weekend! Imma have lots o' barbeque!! :D

My Poor Attempt at Being Happy! =D X)

Well firstly, I just wanted to give a shout out to my friend Bellie. If she's reading this, I'd like to say "HI BELLLIIEEE!! We miss you dearly! And hope you are well!"
And now onto me, since I am egotistical at heart.
I figured out I should believe what I want to believe-regardless of what religion tells me. So ..YAY GAY MARRIAGE!! STILL NOT SURE ABOUT ABORTION!! I'm still Christian technically. But it's like I have my own denomination of Christianity called (my real name)-ism! It's so freeing! But if I'm wrong about doing this, I'll have to invent some excuses to tell Saint Peter..
Oh my gosh, my shoulders hurt like hell right now..I'm sore all over from gym class..
Anyway, my depression is starting to sink back in. I always knew it would.
Damn! Why is my blog is depressing?! UGH! My life is pretty great-I don't know why I complain. I guess it's because my parents have given me so much materialistically, and they have genuinely tried to be there emotionally for me-but unfortunately they have failed. Although it's weird. A couple weeks ago I hugged my dad nice and tight because he was leaving because he works 3 hours away, and I felt that hole in my heart seal up, and once I let go, it ripped open again. I guess it means I need a little more paternal involvement in my life, because Lord knows I have more than enough maternal interference..but I'll talk about that later since just now I've been inspired to write something more light hearted about my life since it's occurred to me that you know a lot about my emotions, but little about my lifestyle.
So on Wednesday, I plan to take my friend to Chinatown because she's never been there and I've been wanting to go anyway because I have an obsession with Asian culture and I wish I was born half Japanese ..even though it's Chinatown. It's fairly easy to get there from our school because there's a subway stop right in front of our school, and the Chinatown stop is a mere two stops away. I'm also inviting some of our other friends so we can have enough money to go to a restaurant or something. And of course I'm inviting one of our Chinese friends so she can tell us which restaurants look good. :D I'm real excited about this little get-together, partly because my relationship with my mom is a bit tense, I don't really want to be home anymore..
Um let's see..I also want to plan a farewell party for one of my other friends because she's leaving at the end of the year to go to a Catholic school. It's funny because our guy friend was all like "UGH! How can you go there? The guys that go there are such jerks!" And my friend and I agree that our guy friend just doesn't understand that no matter where you go, the majority of the guys are jerks. I empathize with her, because she doesn't really care whether she leaves or not, her mom is making her go, and I might also switch schools at the end of the year due to parental insistence. (I'll explain this more later on, I want to maintain my focus.) So my guy friend and I are gonna plan this. I was suggesting we rent a place in an indoor garden that's in the uppermost floor of the library that's a block away from our school. But my guy friend, who's more practical as most guys are, suggested a quote unquote "hobo picnic" in the park, which is also not far away. His idea does hold more promise, but we'll keep plotting. ;D
Haha, but don't get the impression my life is all about friends and going out on the town. It's quite the opposite. The majority of the time I'm cooped up in my house, watching T.V., forbidden to watch anything but kids' shows, but changing the channel when my parents are out of earshot, or on the computer, secretly typing out a blog entry for example. Only recently have I felt a greater sense of freedom; I feel like I'm getting to live the childhood that I wanted. However, it's still not enough. I desire a childhood like our parents had-where one could romp around town, getting chased by dogs, breaking neighbors' windows with a baseball, pooling together money with our friends to buy penny candy, (ok-that's more like our grandparents' childhood..) ride bikes or wander around in the park at night (which I've had the enormous pleasure of doing :D ). You know, movies like The Sandlot. I wish my childhood had been more active and physical, with more time spent outdoors than indoors, with less supervision, but when you live in an urban setting in a city known for crime, I understand that's not always possible. After all, this ain't the 50s. And also, I am an only child. I live in a condominum complex with few other children. I couldn't invite friends over from school because we lived outside the school zone. And there were no other kids in my family my age. Only now that my adolescent years are upon me, that I can actually act like a kid. Because my cousins had kids who I LOVE to play with. Because my parents have more money to visit my cousins in Mexico who actually are my age. Because my parents can't watch me when I go downtown for school and I could probably get into drugs if I wanted, but I refuse to. I'm already insane-what do I need drugs for? :D
I have this vision-that when I go off to college, I'll find like minded individuals and do a bunch of stuff that kids in bygone eras used to do. Instead of going to the mall, we'll play baseball in a dusty, secluded field. Instead of going out to the movies, we'll pretend we're Indiana Jones and run around. Instead of talking on the phone, we'll go tie a string to two cans. Stuff like that. ^_^ More innocent, old fashioned stuff that's nostalgic. People are probably gonna look at us like we're mentally disturbed, extrememly immature, drunken college students-but it won't matter. Cuz I'll get to live life to its fullest. =)
Also, when I grow up, I want to grow a garden so I can eat more organically. I've always wanted to be like Johnny Appleseed! Roaming America's backwoods throwing apple seeds randomly on the ground...I LOVE APPLES!! =D
I know..I'm sooo weird! XD
Oh yeah, that's more like it. All happy and crap. But don't get used to it. ;)

Implosion of Conscious

So a lot of things have been on my mind lately. It's kinda feels nice, after such a long time of not thinking much of anything and being apathetic.
Because apathy can reach a point where it's really irritating to other people.
But what caused this arousal of ..well, non-apathetic feelings in me?
It's been a long time in coming, and frankly, I don't know, or understand, all of the reasons. But basically, I've thinking about religion, how that ties in with the persecution of gays, how that ties in with pretty much everything else, I've been thinking about my own dual nature, and how that allows me to sympathize and get along with very different people. Plus, all the pent up anger from a lifetime of holding in my emotions is starting to take its toll. I'm getting impassioned about things I've never really felt anything towards, such as drug use and how religion creates all these divisions. I'm not sure if I'm becoming less naive (that would suck-I love being childishly innocent) or more aware or more worldly or WHAT but it's mind-boggling.. :(
So it may have started sooner, but from what I remember, the awareness or questioning, whatever you wanna call it, began last summer. Last summer was the most amazing one of my life. It was also one of the most boring. Late at night, while I was waiting for my dad to get back from work, I was watching this PBS show about the Congo. The Democratic Republic of the Congo, to be exact, and horribly ironic. I was learning about how the women are brutally raped by the very soldiers who're supposed to be protecting them; about how Joseph Mobutu replaced the previous dictator, was a dictator himself. About how the UN is largely ignoring this crisis, because they have other things on their minds. About how those poor women just have to take it, and live with AIDS, and live in terror. Later, I learned some of the history behind this: the Congo used to be a jewel of Africa-a rich, uncharted expanse of promise. Until King Leopold the II of Belgium got his grubby, avarcious little hands all over it and cared not for the welfare of its populace. He suppressed any opposition from natives by making his soldiers cut off the right hands of any rebels. Each soldier had to kill a certain number of rebels, so when he couldn't fulfill his quota, he turned his merciless eyes to the civilians, and say they were the hands of rebels, when in actuality, they were probably the hands of children. The Congo was basically Leopold's playground, and even when the Congo was wrenched away from him, it was kept under Flemish control. It was kept under exploitation. Til the Congo fought for its freedom. And won. And then a string of equally selfish tyrants. A military state. Oh God. God indeed.
A few weeks ago I read an article about how, in Senegal, the tide of violence towards gays was increasing. Now, Senegal is traditionally a peaceful tolerant country. So you know things are bad for gays in Africa when Senegal starts persecuting them. All over Africa, when men suspected of being gay die, anti-gays dig up their bodies and desecrate it, caring not for the sentiments of that person's loved ones. Sometimes, the loved ones of the gay deceased aren't even allowed to bury their dead. And in Africa, this is especially bogus, because there is supposed to be a great reverence for the dead, and certain rituals that should be carried out upon death.
Now, I've said in this blog that I wasn't sure about gay marriage, mostly because I don't want God mad at me. But I refuse to believe that God would want His children to perform hideous acts of violence against gay people. Because even homosexuals are His children. God is an eternally merciful, loving God and He wouldn't want this. But see, it all ties into religion. Most of Africa is Islamic, and Muslims also frown upon homosexuality. And the imams, or spiritual leaders of Islam, are not helping by advocating violence on gay people. It's caused a frenzy all over the continent-in some places worse than others. Another issue that heavily underreported. Just because it's Africa. Just because it's not happening in a "civilized" country. So gays in America-don't complain. Cuz you could have it so much worse.
And really, the thing semi-against religion isn't new. It has its roots since my birth. I've never been a religious person. My faith was inherited, and I had serious doubts about whether to continue with the Catholic tradition. But I did anyway. And I thought, I was right to do this. But then I realized it's crucial to acquire your wisdom from many different sources. There are many redeeming philosophies and practices that other religions implement that could benefit a believer in religion. Such as karma from Hinduism, or the Middle Way from Buddhism, or praying 5 times a day from Islam. Stuff like that.
So I've prayed to God at night for several years now. I used not to, just because. In fact, I was even less religious at the commencement of my life than I am now. So I guess God should be happy about that..
But those nightly prayers rarely have any vigor to them. They feel like recitations, not actual, grateful prayers. And it's been bothering me lately especially, since I am so incredibly blessed and yet my prayers wouldn't show that. I just wouldn't be engaged. My attention would drift. Being a hormonally charged teenager, my imagination would take me somewhere less monotonous, like an erotic scene. And I'd have to force myself to finish my prayers, because thinking about God at least once during the day was the least I could do to thank him for all He's done for me. I don't know if it's the Devil trying to appeal to my Sloth, or I'm just an ungrateful brat, or if formal prayers have prevented from sharing what I truly feel about the Almighty One, and it's probably a mixture of all three, but point is, I just couldn't get excited about religion.
So then I thought, is it even worth praying if my prayers are so lacking in enthusiasm? Wouldn't I just be cheating God by saying stuff that I've memorized in my brain, but not in my heart? So I've stopped praying. But that doesn't really feel right either. So, honestly, don't know what I'll do about that. I need time to figure it out. This is not the kind of thing I want to decide, then rethink, and re-decide. I want to think about it, come to a conclusion, then make my move. But I've been really busy and stressed lately, so now is not the time.
And now, (bear with me,..though I suppose you don't have to..you could just look at porn..) for the subject of my duality. The idea of ying and yang has always appealed to me, because I've always felt those opposing forces within myself. It's as if I have multiple personality disorder, and I have an alter ego that's completely different from how I am in front of people, arguing in my brain over what I should think and do and feel. (I know this sounds insane, and well-that's because I AM insane..) For example: I'm dress modestly. The other me feels like dressing like a slut. I'm kind of shy and awkward because of my low self esteem, and the other me is audacious and wants to scream at people what she really thinks, because she thinks she can do everything better than anyone else. Because of this duality, I'm able to make friends with very different people, whether they be shy awkward people like me, or audacious slutty people quite unlike me. I rarely come across someone I can't get along with. And I'm also pretty understanding (not to toot my own horn or anything) of why people act in a certain way. So when people who aren't as perceptive as me criticize others, I squirm. Because I can see why they're wrong. And I can also see why they're right.
It's confusing right now, because the other me is sick of being locked up. I'm being tempted to act flirtacious, dress immodestly, scream at people, criticize people, act like a little bitch in general. Because not only have I suppressed my more evil, base instincts for years, I've also bottled up my anger. Now these two forces are threatening to compromise who I am. I'm not sure whether I am the happy-go-lucky, easy going, humble person I am on the outside, or if I am the bitter, angry, proud person I am on the inside. I'd like to think I really am the former, but I must admit I think rather treacherous thoughts sometimes. So yeah..dunno who I am. It's kinda scary.
Back to the anger thing. As I've said several times, it's been building for years. In 7th grade I was so angry all the time because of an unrequited crush gone bad, and I, like my father, took out my anger on the friends closest to me. Particularly my rather close friend, who took it so wonderfully, I can never thank her enough. And a not nearly as close friend, whom I kind of stabbed in the back. Afterwards, I felt really ashamed. I still felt angry, but I resolved not to act like my father. Unfortunately, now my noble intentions are eating away at my resolve, and cracks are starting to show. I'm starting to say stuff I don't mean again. And I notice it, and take it back right away, but I feel worried. This anger has manifested itself in various forms: anger against the injustice in Africa, anger against drug users, because their demand for illegal substances fuels a multi-million dollar illicit industry that tears through countries like a knife, taking lives, destroying lives, and destroying families. I think it's unbelievable selfish. It's relevant to me in specific, because being of Mexican descent, it's hard watching Mexico deal with all these drug related violence problems, and not receiving much American support.
It's yet another example of classic, inexhaustible human greed. I can't believe we are capable of so much evil, and yet so much good.
But then again, that's ying and yang for ya.
(Sorry bout writing so much! <=D )

The Girl I Pushed Away

Her name is Gabriela. I'm not afraid she'll see this, because this blog is so obscure, and she doesn't know who's writing this.
She means more to me than she'll ever know.
We've talked about we've drifted apart. She blames herself, I blame myself. She regrets. I regret.
We've been best friends since 3rd grade, and known each other since kindergarten. We've confided our darkest secrets, our crushes, our aspirations, in each other. We've laughed till we cried. We've embraced and we've had our petty fights, as all best friends do.
I understood her. She understood me.
I've always idolized her. I've always been worried about her.
She is, for better or for worse, my life. My happiness.
For so long, I relied on her-unconsciously-for my self-worth, popularity, sense of stability and security, never knowing how deep I'd been intertwined with her until she was gone.
I didn't realize this until relatively recently. I've spent 3 years of my life living in a dark fog, and not even knowing why-but it was because of her. She is my life. My happiness. She is me-but bolder, sexier, stronger.
I know this all sounds in-CREDIBLY homo-but it's true.
However, speaking of homo, she is one.
Or rather, pansexual.
Now, I don't have a problem with this. But God does. Thus, I actually DO have a problem with it.
But even worse-she's atheist. (I have nothing against atheists-but of course, God does, therefore I do.)
And I don't know how to tell her she's wrong. Or maybe I'M wrong! Maybe God doesn't exist and I should just leave her be!
But see how she makes me-makes me wanna give up everything for her. I don't blame her for this. She can't be blamed for being the most awe-inspiring person I know..or ever will know.
Anyway, if she's pansexual AND an atheist-that's a double whammy right there! She can't go to hell..Heaven (or God forbid, purgatory) not so much that I mind going to purgatory, I just don't want her to pass by there) is our last hope. Unless some miracle occurs and we end up attending the same college. Or we reconnect later in life. But in Heaven, I'll be able to tell her everything-and if she doesn't want to face it, I can just wander Heaven, trying to avoid the person that has brought me the most pain.
She can't go to hell. I can't let her. If I knew she was burning in Hell-...I don't know how I'd cope.
But I don't want her to feel as if I'm imposing my beliefs on her. So, I don't know how to bring up the topic in conversation. So for now, I'm praying to the Lord Almighty-

Dear God,
Please
Please
Please
Let Gabriela find her faith again
Let her find her heterosexuality again
Let her ascend to your Kingdom after she passes on
Because I love her
More than she'll ever know
Amen

You may think my love for her is selfish-sometimes I think that myself. That I only love her because of how on-top-of-the-world I feel with her. Maybe that's true. I like to believe its not. I want her to rock the world, I want her to succeed beyond her wildest dreams, I want her to find true love and live life to its fullest without regard to how badly I wish she would make time for me. But most of all, and its cliche, I want her to be happy.

And also, but she knows this already..
I'll love her
no matter what
(Again, no homo! (But it sure seems like it right?))

Well-I've been happy so far-there've been a couple times when the depression threatened to come back-but I've been successfully fighting it back. :)

However, I feel my innocence is slowly ebbing away-and I would appreciate it if the world would be less grown-uppy.

I've recently realized that a lot of my fellow classmates are addicted to pot (which I just recently disovered is slang for marijuana...see?? That's how naive I am!!), and that makes me..sad.
I mean that people would waste their lives like that-lose themselves, their friends, their family, their hope, their sanity..
I mean the list of famous and ordinary people alike that've died from illegal drug overdoses goes on and on.
How long will it be before one of the young, promising kids at my school do a little too much-and then poof!-their life is gone. No one will know what they could've accomplished.

I wanna reach out to these people-scream some sense at them-tell them it's totally selfish to wanna do drugs because it just causes pain for those who care about them.
And I understand that a big reason why people do drugs is to escape from their problems-but you have to SUCK IT UP!! Just look at me! I was depressed for two God forsaken years-and I've NEVER had drugs in my life. It's not like I'm strong or anything, hell-I thought about taking stuff to numb the pain-but what kept me going was knowing that if there was one person on this earth who actually desperately needed me to be alive and well, it was my mom. I'm not being mean-I'm just repeating what she said-that she couldn't live without me. I stayed alive and away from drugs for her.

So, I doubt anyone at my school (or at any school) reads this, but on the off chance they are, please, try to get off that crap. I know it's wicked hard-but trust me-you've got to look out for yourself, because few other peopole will. And when you come across people that do look out for you-hang onto them-because they'll give you the support and motivation you need to get through your issues. And also-think about it-most people take drugs to relieve themselves of the knowledge of their suckish situation, but then taking drugs, in itself, becomes a suckish situation...DUH!!

Peace out! >o

The O Factor-no-I'm not talking about Oprah

Obama has a lot of appeal-that's why he's president-he's African-American-he's from Chicago-...uh, he's black,..

but this nation seems to be obsessed with him.

Frankly, that's a bit refreshing after the 200 years or so of white guys, but still..

Why is America suffering from Obama-mania? Is it solely because he's black? Or is it because he's black and charismatic?

I can't answer that. Ask a psycho-analyst. He'd be able to tell you. But since you likely don't have access to a sociologist, I, an un-informed fifteen year old, will give you my best guess:

Obama has come to us at a tumultous time-it's a decade into the new millenium, where technology has drastically changed our lifestyle, habits, and society. Think "Iron Age" for the modern world.

All this technology, and the change that comes with it, is confusing. Not to mention the lingering effects of the counter culture movement during the 60's which have opened the floodgates for stuff like porn, pornos, and other sex related stuff which many feel is undermining the values Americans share.

Enter Obama-a shining symbol of what can be accomplished when you're determined-and skilled at giving speeches.

And he's BLACK. It's like expecting to find a gold coin and finding a treasure chest.

Obama is the embodiment of the notion that America has finally gotten past its racist past and opened its mind to a newcomer, a rookie, an underdog-an underdog whose father is from Kenya.

And he seems to be implementing good policies-just think-a president who actually comes through for his people. That's HUGE.

Now, don't think I idolize this man, cuz I don't. Um, will you excuse me for a second as I sing a song of praise for Obama?

...

Thanks.

Anyway-don't think I idolize him. I don't believe in idols..that's againist my religion.

...

Does anyone know what religion Obama is? I HAVE TO KNOW. Don't ask. I just HAVE to, ok?

Hang on, let me Google it...

Ah ok. Interesting.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Nation..Obama..obsessed. Ok good.

Now...

Obviously, the media loves to see people who regular people admire, fail. I'm not saying Obama has failed us-he has his shortcomings, and the media likes to reap that for what its worth. >Sigh< The media just hates Obama cuz he's black!!

Did I just play the race card?
Oh God, I did.
>Breaks into sobs< I..don't..DESERVE the Nobel Blog Prize!! >Crying hysterically<